Valentine’s Day it’s so simple
02 Feb 2011 Leave a Comment
in Husbands|Partners Tags: couples communication, men relationships, people connecting, Valentine
It's all what we make it ...together. Get your crayons!
I was researching an article for Valentine’s Day and I discovered this great post What a girl wants for Valentine’s Day I have to say that it really brought home the small things that can make a big difference in my partner’s life.
I think that from now on I shall do some planning before the event starting with this upcoming Valentine’s Day. Like getting a gift “she would buy” is important. That usually means shopping at little local gift shops rather than Target, unless I knew she really wanted that faux-bronze sculpture of a goose flying south… I don’t think so.
The real deal for me, after reading this, is that I actually get something ahead of time so I can surprise her on in the morning. That way she doesn’t have to dread the evening when I arrive home from work holding the present and card I just bought at CVS or Walgreens with some innocuous heart shaped box of fattening chocolates.
Probably even clean the kitchen… I can do it. So can any guy. Is there a mental block about Valentine’s Days and Anniversaries?
Why has this information been kept from us men? Is “What women want?” equivalent to the “Secrets of the Pyramids” or is it much simpler…
Resources: Geoff LaPlace also writes for Do Tell, guyMystique and other publications
Good Mothering = persistence?
03 Nov 2010 Leave a Comment
in Kids Tags: Buzz Lightyear, Civil War, Halloween, John Wayne, mothering, persistence
I feel like I passed some kind of mothering – test of persistence 101- this week. I actually said, “Praise the Lord” with all seriousness out loud at K-Mart on Saturday afternoon, when I looked down and came upon the elusive item of my quest.
- The big one was into the drama. The little on only wanted candy.
It started about a month ago when my five-year-old said he wanted to be a “Cavalry Man” for Halloween. This means he wanted to be a Civil War soldier. Now, I know what you’re probably thinking. What 5–year-old even knows about the Civil War?
I know it’s strange, but my husband is into John Wayne. (No-I’m not married to an 80 year old, he’s just generationally challenged.) So, their special “boys night” treat is to watch old movies like Rio Lobo and Horse Soldiers.
Needless to say, “Cavalry Man” is not exactly a costume you can just pick up off the shelf at Target next to Buzz Lightyear and the Transformers. So, I got out the sewing machine.
I started with the jacket, some old buttons from my grandmother’s button box, and two old Navy patches of my husband’s. I was kind of shocked that it turned out pretty good, but then there was the problem. I got hooked – okay, maybe just a tad obsessed – with getting it all put together just right. Hat. Boots. Pants. Belt. I was getting pretty proud of that costume, and my child was thrilled, wanting to try it on all the time, but there was one small problem.
No sword.
He had been asking from the beginning, “Mom, when can we get the sword?” I kept putting him off with, “Later… and, not yet… oh, I forgot.” The truth is that I had been looking. First we looked together at Walmart, Target, Goodwill. No luck. All the swords just weren’t quite right. They were bloody, or ninja, or more like daggers than fine and honorable Cavalry swords. And we had time. So, I just thought we’d keep looking. After going to Big Lots, the Tuesday Morning Store, Half of Half Price Store, the grocery store’s special Halloween section, two Halloween specialty shops, Party City and even the Cavalry Museum at a nearby Army fort we still had no Luck.
Deadline approaching Saturday afternoon, I thought I’d just go out one more time: After running to two Dollar Generals, a Dollar Tree, and Major Thrift, I really was ready to pack it up and get out the wire hanger and tin foil.
Then, I thought, “I’ll just stop by K-Mart on the way home.”
There it was. Beautiful – Plastic – and 50% off.
It felt like a reward of some kind, for my belief that it could be out there – for my persistence in the midst of toil. I wanted to shout “Victory!” I just knew that the nice people in China had recreated this piece of American Heritage at a low-low price – and I was right!
Really, I know it was a crazy quest, but finding that sword made me happy. Like, I had passed some mothering test. If that 5-year-old ever grows up and says, “Mom, I’m just not sure you ever really loved me.” I can point to the sword incident as definitive proof of some kind and say “No, let me tell you about the year you were a Cavalry Man.”
He loved the drama of the night, taking fake falls and shouting things like “Sound the Assembly” to perfect strangers. I could barely get his little brother to wear a costume. He was more into the candy.
I know these are the good years for things like this. It was a happy night.
And it does make me think about what it can teach me about mothering. Bottom line: It takes a lot of persistence to get it right. Never stopping or accepting failure, but trying just one more time, and believing that victory is right around the corner.
Son’s reaction to injury is a good model for how mom reacts to herself
27 Oct 2010 Leave a Comment
in Kids Tags: emotional scars, family relationships, raising boys, relating to family, relating to self, relationship with self
People have been trying to wipe my child’s mouth all week. A friend who I hadn’t seen in a while took one look at him and said, jokingly, “I’m so glad when I see other people’s kids are a mess too.” A teacher at school tried to help him get the “jelly” off his mouth, but it didn’t budge.
What they were all looking at wasn’t just a little mess. It’s not that my child doesn’t often have all sorts or dirt, food or other crap on his face. (Really, I just can’t be bothered all that much to wipe noses, chins and cheeks as much as other mothers.) But this time, the problem couldn’t be wiped off.
It wasn’t a mess. It was a burn.
We took a couple of days to go to the country -one last time before cold weather sets in. While we were roasting marshmallows, he brought one that had recently been burning too quickly to his face and seared the side of his mouth and cheek. It looked pretty bad at first -especially if you realized it was an injury and not just misplaced pizza sauce.
I hope it doesn’t scar, but luckily we watched John Wayne’s “The Searchers” just a couple of days before the incident and there is a cool Indian chief in the movie named “Scar.” So, the thought of it being a bad thing to get a permanently messed up face didn’t occur to him at all. He has been a trooper as I have rubbed Neosporin and A&D Ointment on his face, and largely you would think that he doesn’t care.
Actually, that’s the point of all of this. I am so proud of my little guy for being blissfully unaware that people might judge him for the way he would look. As a matter of fact, with the exception of a very persistent gym teacher, who made him feel bad about wearing boots, my first child has pretty much been self-confident enough- up to this point of life – to just be confident in himself, and not worry too much about what other people think.
Wouldn’t it be great if we could all be that way? When did that confidence we had in kindergarten start to fade? When did we begin to notice the marks on our faces and worry that people would see our scars, blemishes and burns?
The most important relationship we have is our relationship with our self. If we don’t like the person looking back in the mirror (with or without jelly on our face), then it is hard to imagine that anyone else likes us. It’s also hard to really express our love to ourselves or anyone else – even our little ones.
I find for myself, if I’m often too worried about those metaphorical scars and the way I look. I worry about every action and interaction. I run over conversations and relationships in my head, and generally drive myself crazy at times with worry over insignificant marks.
When I focus on these things, instead of a good relationship with myself, I also find I struggle to be a good mommy. I am short with my children. I become very self-centered, and find very little joy in the day.
However, if I stand tall with all my blemishes and keep rubbing ointment on the raw spots of my character, then I make it through much happier. The hurts go away. Most always do. If only they had A & D Ointment for every relationship accident we make.
Luckily, my guy’s burn is getting better. I don’t think it’s a permanent scar. Thank goodness.
Now, I just have to decide if we should keep the school pictures that came home today – the ones that captured the black eye he got when running into a bar on the playground.
Mom Encourages other Moms to Remember Time for Fun.
20 Oct 2010 2 Comments
in Family Tags: family relationships, moms and relationships, quality time kids, raising boys, working moms children
Let’s talk about joy. One of our purposes in life is to feel joy, but how many times do we miss it, simply because we forget to grab a hold of fun times and live with their rewards?
I am really working on this one lately, and I will give myself two kudos from this last week:
On Saturday, we took off on a day trip to a nearby Fort and Museum, just because we had been talking about it for the SEVEN years, and never did it.
Saturday Fun-making with little boys usually involves climbing on old military equipment. They are really easy that way.
On Sunday, some out of town friends drove in for an afternoon visit. Another thing we had been talking about but hadn’t gotten around to.
Both were really a joy, and I took them as such, but the truth is that I don’t always, or even usually, stop to revel in these kinds of little gifts. I’m learning that is a mistake.
My pre-mom self used to love to do things that cost money to have fun. I guess that’s not too different than most people. But when I quit my day job to “stay at home” two years ago, we started living on a very strict budget. As empowering as this was, (I got to stay home, and felt in some control of staying out of the poor house.) It was also limiting. (I know. That’s the point of a budget.)
My mistake was that while I budgeted to make sure all of the basics were covered, I kept moving “fun” to the side. It’s easy to do. There is always something that can come up to the top of the monetary needs list faster than fun. An unexpected bill can easily take the place of a night out.
While those may seem like perfectly practical, reasonable and necessary tradeoffs, I’ve discovered there is a great mistake in a wholesale elimination of “Fun” as a need.
I’ve determined it needs to stay in the budget. Maybe it can be tempered, but if it goes away completely we suffer something more than just a lost night out to the movies. We begin to lose our connection to an important part of life – the living.
If you’re sitting here saying, “Hey, I barely have enough money to keep the lights on.” Believe me, there are times I have certainly been there. I would say you could look at your “budget” in a different way. It’s not always about the money. It’s usually about the time. If money is tight, starting thinking about fun as something you save space for in your time budget.
Moms who aren’t working to stay home with the kids just simply don’t generally have as much income to spend on extras, but we do have more time.
Budget some of that extra time for grabbing the joy of life.
Making fun doesn’t have to cost any money at all, but you DO have to make it a priority. I live in a fairly small Midwestern city, but there are still lots of free events, places to visit and festivals in my town. If you don’t know where to start, check out universities, libraries, parks and those quirky places just a short drive into the country.
Of course, you don’t have to leave home either. Just ask some friends over, pop some popcorn and spend a night talking or playing games. Find a game like, Do Tell, that the kids and parents can really get into as well. Whatever you do, remember that life is a joy. This time we get to have with our kids is short. Grab every moment and find the reward.
Finding joy is central to our health and well being. It should be near the top of the priorities list. So, I challenge you to evaluate your resources, time and money, and put it in the budget today.
The Incredibles show how family is special
13 Oct 2010 Leave a Comment
in Family Tags: moms and relationships, quality time kids, raising boys, The Incredibles
My Incredible Family
Have you ever seen the animated movie The Incredibles? We just got it the other night.
The boys loved it. When my little one was going to sleep that night, he kept saying he wanted to be a “cannon ball.” I thought he meant for Halloween, then the pacifier came out of his mouth and I realized he was saying “Incredible.” Well, actually it was something like “I ‘cre bel, Mama.” You get the point.
In any case, the thing that stuck out to me was the question in the movie of what it takes to be special – particularly as a mom, or within the family.
If you haven’t seen it, let me give you a quick set-up:
Mr. Incredible was a super hero who married another super hero called Elastigirl. They had children with super powers. Unfortunately, super heroes kind of went out of vogue, and people started suing them for injuries sustained during rescues. It cost the government a lot of money and all of the super heroes had to go into witness protection and live normal lives pretending they didn’t have super powers. This was very hard on everyone.
Their culture quickly went from one that idolized heroes to one where “Everyone is special.” The result was that everyone tried very hard to be like everyone else. So, the culture where everyone was special became one where no one was really very special at all.
In the course of the movie, the kids struggle with hiding their super powers in order to fit in. The Mom tries to forget her super past, and the Dad tries to re-live it.
Without ruining the whole movie, The Incredibles go through some trials and discover that as a family they can be stronger together than they ever were by themselves. This is the part that made me happy. Maybe it’s the kind of journey we all go on when we transition from individuals to families.
From a mom’s perspective, we started out as these independent women. We meet a great guy, get married and have kids. Then our identities somehow slip into hiding. Just like Elastigirl, we are stretching to keep it all together, and we spend a lot of time trying to do the anonymous wife/mother thing well.
Dads have a similar problem. They often toil away at jobs they hate to keep the family going, and rarely, if ever, really get to feel like a hero.
But in their movie, we see the Incredibles find a better place, where their individual strengths aren’t forgotten, but valued as a part of the whole. They realize that together they are something stronger than they ever could be as individuals. They aren’t just Bob and Helen and Violet and Dash. They are THE Indredibles.
Mom and Dad are saved because of the family they created.
No longer two super-individuals, they have become a part of something different and better than they ever had before.
And it is in the family where everyone truly can be special.
Every mom and dad can be a super hero to their child, and children are the most special part of a parent’s world.
I’ll cut this off for now, but I realize that those people I know who grew up with a strong sense of family seem to be stronger people. If you didn’t have it in your family of origin, you can have it with the family you create. Just embrace it, celebrate it, and let it save you.
Mom teaches compassion to her children
05 Oct 2010 Leave a Comment
in Family Tags: brothers, compassion, Kids Helping Kids, mom, mother, mothering, raising boys
I’m impressed with the compassion of some kids to help others. The challenge is getting there with my own.
Last night at dinner, my 2-year-old stood up on his chair, leaned over his plate and grabbed a knife from off the other side of the table. When he sat back down, I chastised him, told him no, and took the knife away. Of course, he tried to stand up and do it again. I put him back down in his chair and firmly told him no. He then started crying because he’d gotten in trouble.
At this point, I glanced over at my other child, who had this big smile on his face, because his little brother was getting in trouble. Ah yes, the challenge of parenting. The big one was happy to see the baby finally getting caught with a little discipline and expectations. When he saw someone else getting in trouble at the dinner table for a change, it was cause for celebration.
What about compassion? I really wish the reaction from my oldest was to help his brother out. To remind him of what to do right, instead of revel when he did wrong, but it’s hard to teach. What he’s showing is our natural human tendency to think of our self first and forget the struggles of others.
I’m writing about this issue because of an organization I just heard about where one child’s compassion has become the start of a great movement for helping others. It’s called Kids Helping Kids. It started with a 10-year-old child’s desire to help other kids in Ghana after watching a program on their suffering. (Never say watching TV can’t amount to some good.) He successfully raised money to help one child and then decided to keep going.
He and his mother founded a not-for-profit organization that is currently trying to raise a million dollars to help kids – in their own backyard and around the world.
Kudos to him, and kudos to his mom for helping support his kind and giving heart.
It shows me that children can help each other and make a big difference in our world.
They have also started a leadership academy to help build kids’ belief in themselves and understanding of important topics like integrity, accountability and communication.
I think that a kid who feels good about himself is more compassionate towards others. Maybe believing you can make a difference makes you want to help your brother, and others.
So, maybe I need to give my oldest a little more power over his own destiny at dinner, let him pour the milk or set the table, and think about why a knife isn’t a great idea until he and his brother are a little older. Then he’ll have the power to not only think for himself, but build a giving heart towards others.
RESOURCES: e-How article on how to teach compassion to kids
Mom struggles to help child navigate relationship jealousy
29 Sep 2010 1 Comment
in Kids Tags: kids and jealousy, moms and relationships, relationships, sibling jealousy
The walk to school can be fun or really discouraging for my child
So much of what we do as moms is frame the world for our kids. I imagine the older they get the more difficult – and the more important this will become. Right now though, I’ve entered the world of figuring out how to help my child navigate through difficult relationships, and our first experiences with relationship jealousy.
Take this morning for instance: My child was happy and chatting away as we left our house walking toward school. When we turned the corner, he saw an older friend up ahead. I literally could see the inflated excitement followed by a quick deflation when he realized his friend was walking beside another boy… one who doesn’t like my son.
Now, this other boy isn’t a bad boy really. He’s just a youngest child, and probably is used to his older siblings treating him badly. When given the chance to interact with someone younger, I think he’s simply passing along the favor.
But we all walk the same direction. So, it’s not like we can avoid the situation. What started out as a fun bonus of walking to school, getting to see this friend, has turned into a fairly regular source of frustration and discouragement for him. His little face drops and his whole countenance is discouraged.
The friendly boy is three years older than my son, and while he likes to play with him in a little brother kind of way, it’s natural for him to have more in common with this other boy. Really, it’s not his fault.
But what is a mom to do? I haven’t figured it out yet.
How do I frame this situation for my child? Really, it’s a situation of jealousy and I’m not sure I’ve got that one figured out as an adult. So, how to I tell my kid not to worry about it. I don’t really want to tell him that his friend is too old to be interested in the same things he is. That seems discouraging. We could leave earlier for school, but that’s just avoiding the situation.
It’s not easy as a mom. My son wears his emotions on his sleeves and little tricks don’t always work, and the bottom line is that my child is smart – yeah! I want a magic tool, some kind of trick that will help me help my child understand it differently, but the problem is – he’s got a right-on, correct assessment of what’s going on. He knows. He’s the outsider.
In this instance maybe I wish he was just a little more clueless. Is that wrong? Clueless to those social slights, unable to see those relationship faux pas, immune from discouragement, jealousy and pain.
Really though, he’s a five year old. That’s a lot to expect of a five year old.
This afternoon it will be the same thing. We meet several moms and kids at the neighborhood park after school on Wednesdays. It’s going to be a beautiful day, and I know my son is looking forward to the trip, but we’ve had continuing problems with the same type of things. He wants to play with the bigger kids, which works for a while, until they decide they are bored with his games and he gets his feelings hurt.
It makes a mom’s heart hurt and I’m sure one day I’ll be blamed for not getting all of this right. For now, I just keep trying. What to do? What to do? Any tips?
Moms busy schedule | finding quality time for kids
22 Sep 2010 Leave a Comment
in Kids Tags: at home moms, family relationships, mindfulness, moms and relationships, quality time kids, working moms children
This is what happens when my attention stops going to the kids. Note: the little one has colored all over himself and the big one looks just a little crazy.
“The most precious gift we can offer others is our presence. When mindfulness embraces those we love, they will bloom like flowers.” – Thich Nhat Hahn.
There are too many days that I make it to the end of the day and realize I haven’t given my two children any attention at all. Oh, they’ve been fed and clothed and diapers changed and noses wiped (sometimes). We’ve probably even made it to the park or gone on a walk, but the number of minutes I’ve spent doing what they love to do has been minimal, even non-existent.
I heard something a couple of years ago that stay at home moms actually give their children fewer minutes of attention on a daily basis than moms that work. I believe it, at least in terms of mindful attention.
They do have my presence, which I’m sure is something, but how much more would it be if they had my mindful presence?
I notice it quite a bit when we have a really busy day. I’ve gone through the day dragging them along with all we’ve done together, but rarely stopping to look them in the face and let them know I’m really there. My older one is loud and in my face about it, throwing tantrums or just screaming for no apparent reason. The little one has recently started just quietly going in the other room and creating his own world… meaning messes, drawing on the walls, throwing stuff out the window and most recently flipping every single key off the keyboard on my laptop.
But this is not a pity party or a guilt fest. I write because I have found a little trick that has worked wonders. I took it from the Fly Lady. If you don’t know the Fly Lady, and struggle to keep your house in order, you should get to know her. She’s not about child care. She’s about house care and I won’t go into her ideas too much, but one of the things she advocates is breaking up housework into 15 minute segments. It works particularly well with those areas of housework I really hate, like that pile in the office that never gets organized. Just set the timer, and for 15 minutes force yourself to focus on the housework at hand. You can stop after the timer goes off. I have been amazed at how much I can get done that way, and how big a difference it can make over the course of time.
So, I’ve found the same trick works with the kids. Now, don’t think that I’m advocating that 15 minutes of your time is all your really need to give your kids, but with mine, I find that just making myself stop, even setting a timer if necessary and focusing on something they like for a short period of time makes a huge difference in our day. And this works if you’re a stay at home mom or dad, or working parent, or to be honest, I think it can even work with your spouse if you feel like things have gotten awfully hectic.
I just set the timer (or do it in my head) and tell them that the next 15 minutes it totally theirs. I shut out everything else that has to be done, deadlines, housework, if I’m really good even phone calls. It’s a short period of time, and it might not seem like much, but I have found it has lessened tantrums, whiney behavior and general frustrations around the house.
Mindfulness is a practice. It does not come naturally to most of us. And well used it can one of the most useful tools for discovering who we are and what goes on within us. So, it can’t hurt to try it.
Just put one of these 15 minutes in your day today and let me know if it makes a difference for you. Good Luck and have fun.
Resources: With more family responsibilities falling to Moms there are needs to make those minutes with your kids count more. A big challenge is that moms are multi-tasking so much that when a break comes there are Moms needs for “time off too”, but these come with guilt of not using those precious minutes for quality time with the kids. This article talks about how moms can turn 15 minutes of stressful time with the kids into time of real connection and communication with the kids using Mindfulness. Stay tuned to Moms and Relationships for more info for Moms on how to turn stress moments into communications with kids and husband or partner.
Dads and Family communication | an oxymoron?
18 Sep 2010 Leave a Comment
in Husbands|Partners Tags: couples communication, dads, family relationships, men relationships
Dads Find Family Communication
It’s hard enough being a guy. Add in: Family, being a Dad, enchanting his wife (often), and the proverbial daily schedule and “Dad’s life is full”. Time for beer and the comfy chair. But wait! There is one thing left out of “Dad’s To-Do List” …Communication in Relationships.
So when a guy gets a chance to play a game about communication and relationships he usually doesn’t jump up and down about the chance to share and open up with family and friends.
I found this article and cannot resist passing it on. I’m a guy, have kids and grand-kids, and have played Do Tell with my son and family. My son’s family even takes it with them when they go camping as it also works well when other kids from other campsites play too. That’s my personal experience.
This article is not about me, but I have a similar story of giving the Family game as a gift to my son. “Real Dads Do Relationships” tells a story that changed this Dad’s life, and his family relationship through better communication with everyone.
I felt good and affirmed as I read this article about Family communication with dads and kids and moms. Enjoy, as there are not many articles about helping change family communication thru changing Dad, nor many things featuring communications tools which work for dads. Just sharing, Thanks 
Mom’s nights out go too far and she decides to stay home
15 Sep 2010 Leave a Comment
in Husbands|Partners Tags: family relationships, relationships
On Monday night, I went out to dinner with my mom’s club. This is different from my GNO (girl’s night out) group. We went to dinner on Friday night. This is different from my Book Club which met last Monday, or my MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) group which is every other Tuesday, or Bunco night, or my involvement in the neighborhood association, the PTO and the church choir.
Okay, admittedly, I haven’t done those last two things… yet, but I want to.
See the thing is that I’ve noticed moms who stay at home, and even those who don’t, have this unending supply of ways to get away from their homes the moment dad steps through the door.
Last spring, it got so bad for me that there were some weeks I was gone, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday nights. It was too much, I knew it, but I couldn’t stop myself. Somehow, the need to have just a little quiet space in my day, translated to many evenings without Mamma at home.
I know why I did it. There are a ton of voices out there that fall under the category of, “You deserve some time to yourself.” Which may be true, but in building relationships with others, we can undermine the most important ones.
It might not affect my mommy status or relationship with my children, but what about my husband? When I put us on a tight budget for eating out that has him munching on ramen noodles at work for lunch, then take myself out to eat for the evening at Old Chicago or Jose Peppers, just because “I need it” then it’s time to pause.
Part of the problem, is that we who stay at home often feel like we have extra time to give back to others. That’s a noble cause, but this summer, when I was struggling because I was supposed to take over the position of president in the neighborhood association, I realized I was just trying very hard not to let the neighbors down. Really? I was going to commit to two years of phone calls and extra stress just to not let the neighbors down?
Which relationships and whose opinion of me will really matter in 20 years? It’s not the lady who lives down the street, or the moms in moms club, or even the girls in the GNO, who are supposed to be my good friends, but who somehow lack the ability to make real connections with each other. It’s the three people living in my house: my husband and my two children.
And no, they don’t always or even usually fill up that space in me for relationship needs. It’s usually a lot of taking, even with my husband. But to lose them would be the greatest tragedy of my life.
So, I said no to being president, and I quit MOPS and Bunco and I haven’t joined the choir or the PTO, or the board of my moms club.
And when I went to Old Chicago, I made dinner for the family before I left and I brought my husband back half of my meal. When my GNO friends scoffed at this, I just thought, “Well, I love him. I love them.” And guess what? That’s okay!
I don’t have to make excuses for that. It’s the one set of relationships that can and should come before all others because at the end of the day, that’s all we have.
Friendly games make laughter and develop relationships with extended family
08 Sep 2010 Leave a Comment
in Family Tags: board game, family relationships, moms and relationships, relating to family, the middle place
This is me and my family of origin playing the board game Do Tell. Lots of laughter.
How about your relationship with your family? Not the family you’ve created, but the family of your origin. There are so many different relationships there, but let’s talk about the big picture. For some of us our families of origin are like a big safety net that define us and catch us when we fall. For others, those families have some bad memories that made us flee. Maybe for most of us, it is somewhere in the middle.
I’ve been thinking a lot recently about a book I just finished called “The Middle Place” By Kelly Corrigan. On one level it’s the story about a mom with two small children who survived breast cancer. On the other, it’s the story about the journey to find a place for your old family relationships as your new family grows.
For Corrigan, the “Middle Place” is that place when you are celebrating your own children and encouraging their achievements while you are still needing your own parents and siblings to affirm, celebrate and encourage you.
I think I’m smack dab in the middle of the middle place myself.
I am just at the point where I feel like my children are old enough that I can call the family my husband and I have created a solid and good and a happy place to be. Yet, I am often times in too much need of affirmation from my family of origin.
This weekend, my family got together at “The Farm.” Picture a lake-house without the lake. It’s a wonderful place where the boys can run with their cousins, and roast marshmallows over an open fire and climb tree houses and go running in the woods and canoe and fish and camp. It’s also a place where we renew that extended family relationship bond.
Like Corrigan, the memories of my family get-togethers there include much laughter and celebration. There is a space at the farm that defines us a unit. We have a lot of activities that we engage in at the farm, but there is one that I wonder makes just as big a difference as any. Playing games.
It might sound old fashioned, but board games are a part of our family story, and a part of our family history. A lot of the laughter you’ll find at the farm surrounds a game with dice or cards or even marbles.
Mom and Dad played Chinese Checkers with us when we were so young they let us cheat and pretended not to notice. My brother is infamous for “accidentally” dislodging the marbles every time he was losing. We still laugh every time someone accuses my mom of having “Bad Spades Etiquette” for table talking over the game, and we know most of the answers in our original version of Trivial Pursuit, simply because we’ve played it for over 25 years.
At this stage in life, I do want affirmation from my family of origin. (I guess you never outgrow being the youngest child.) No matter how many people compliment me in my independent life, the words of those few people who raised me or were raised up with me, mean more than any others. I want to know that they think I’m smart, or what I’m doing is cool or good.
Unfortunately, our family is just like every other. Over the course of time, there’s a little too much real-life competition between us, a few too many words harshly spoken, some needed words that go unspoken, and polite silences that make us all at points go running back to the families we’ve made and take another step away from that family of origin.
However, we do love each other, and when we get around a game board, all of that kind of melts away. In the temporary competition with dice and brightly colored game pieces; that competition that doesn’t really matter there is a blend of camaraderie, good natured ribbing, clear winners, losers and cheaters. It’s all out in the open, and in my experience there’s usually a ton of laughter that comes in to cover it all.
Maybe board games are a way through the middle place. Games are a low stress, low pressure place where we can still get affirmation and support from our families of origin. Even in a small way. That can probably extend to families who cheer on the same sports teams or get together to play any game at all – even just the yearly Thanksgiving flag football game.
It helps to know your brother will let you cheat at checkers or your sister is willing to go skiing with you on the coldest day of summer (even though I didn’t do that… I guess I should have), just because that’s who we are. That’s what we do.
Who you are is what you do. So, whether it’s with your family of origin or with the family you made, don’t forget to do things together.
Perhaps it will give you a space for your middle place.
Relating to Motherhood | sorting through the best and worst times of our lives
01 Sep 2010 Leave a Comment
in Kids Tags: couples communication, people connecting, relationships
By the way. I’m Karen. Here’s me with my Beautiful Boys who I love so much. The big one is five the little one is two.
Hello there. This is the start of a new blog about motherhood and relationships and hopefully how we can do a better job not only at our relationships with our kids, but also everyone in our life. After all, motherhood has a way of changing the way you relate to the world.
I don’t know about you, but since I entered motherhood five years ago I have experienced the most challenging stage of my life. At first, I worked and went to school. Then I worked part time. Then I had a second child and decided to quit work. Then I had to adjust to working at home. It’s been a roller coaster of giving up self and learning to love and be patient and creative and happy… all with the most important people in my life fighting me over things like shoe choice and cereal.
The mom in the comic strip “Zits” summed it up pretty effectively this morning when she mused:
“When it’s not the greatest experience life has to offer. Parenting really sucks.”
(Yes, I read the comics every morning out of the newspaper you can hold in your hands. It’s one of the things that keeps me sane.)
But while we’re struggling to have a good relationship with our kids, no matter what age they are, we also have to renegotiate our relationships with everyone else.
Since I became a mom, it seems like nearly every interaction has been flipped upside down and backwards – and not just because I’ve been sleep deprived and caffeine addicted for five years, although I won’t rule out that being part of it.
Let’s start when I was pregnant. At the time, I was a full time graduate student, working 30 hours a week to pay for school. I remember how conspicuous I felt hauling my pregnant self up the “hill” to classes and trying to fit in one of those tiny college desks. I felt like the girl that people whisper about who everyone knows will eventually drop out of school. But here I was, a married woman over 30, who had very much planned for this baby, but I was also a student and you should have seen the distance some of those undergrads put between themselves and me as I walked my big belly across campus.
The next year, after the baby came, I got the bonus ridiculous experience of carrying my breast pump up to class and sneaking into a small library during breaks to employ it. Studying “Great Speeches of the 20th Century” is just not the same when you know your breast milk has filled two convenient bottles waiting in a bag at your feet.
I used to sit there in class and think about how long I had waited to go back to school, and the distance between me and some of the other students. They could go to the library and study and party with friends at the bars. This class was their challenge. I was commuting 30 minutes home to my mortgage and marriage and a screaming little one who would keep me up at night.
When I finally graduated, reaching a long hoped for goal. It was right at the time in my life when, I really didn’t want to work anymore. I wanted to be a mom. Or at least have the flexibility to be with my kids when I wanted to be with them.
Maybe I entered it not exactly the way I envisioned – I was still struggling to find my own place in the world when I was becoming a mom – but the truth is, I think even moms who have seemingly uncomplicated entries into motherhood (a nice house in the ‘burbs with a husband whose job well-supports the family, or reliable childcare and a job that she loves with her own mother nearby who is dying to babysit)… all of us have to renegotiate our place in the world when we are mothers. It’s a process that starts when we find out our child is coming and continues to change – - well, I’m convinced it’s long after pre-school or tweens or teens or even after college. I think it’s part of the journey.
And it changes as your children grow, as you have more children, as their friends change, your friends change – it’s constant change. That’s what a friend of mine said last night she found was one of the hardest parts of parenting: the constant change. Once you think you’ve got it, then you have to figure it out all again.
So, let’s talk about it. I’ll be back. I hope you join me.
